Deep Thinking, Deep Loving
I thought I was breaking last week. Boy oh boy was I incorrect. Everett has told us that the second week would challenge us beyond words, but didn’t really say exactly why. It seems like I have a lot more breaking to do than some of the peeps here. It makes me wonder: without knowing someone’s story, will we always assume we have it worse than them? I’m in a place where because I feel like crying all the time, it makes me think that I have more ‘shit’ to get through than others, but then I realize that’s not at all true. We ALL have baggage piled up and we are beginning to learn that meditation is all about clearing out this baggage in order to make way for the new, more beautiful things that we will think and experience in life. It could be that we all came here for different reasons, some purely to become yoga teachers but most seem to have come for their own self-practice and to learn more. So depending on how willing you are to accept what comes from this training then there will be different levels of what you experience. I guess I’m super open then? Ha! This is about to get deep, so bear with me…
Let me share a little story: my whole life I have had my own goals like everyone else, ranging from big to small. I was a model for many years, traveling the globe, which was one of the best things I’ve done, yet it was also extremely isolating and killed my self-confidence (ironic hey, being on covers of magazines and feeling so low). I gained confidence back, learned from the experiences and began my social media for Stay Sharp Be Strong, never really thinking anything of it other than I was creating food to share with whomever wanted to try it and giving tips I’ve learned. Through this all I’ve been through my ups and downs, my struggles, the best times of my life and all the things in between. I found yoga many years ago, as a way to be fit and that was all. However, like most the more I practiced the more I realized there was something more to whatever would come. It took me many years before I really wanted to learn more about all the types of yoga, the history and the beauty in what you can feel mentally. I booked this yoga teacher training in hopes to be able to have the knowledge and confidence to teach others, however I really came to learn more about myself and learn to heal some things that happened in life. I have come with an open mind, an open heart, and totally open to absolutely everything that comes. I have found that with this, I am experiencing things that I didn’t even imagine possible. It’s been beyond tough because of the physical practice, the hours of learning, and emotionally but with everything that comes up. However, there is more beauty that I’m seeing in others, myself, and the world around me that I could even comprehend. I feel strange for sharing my experiences in life with the world via social media, but I have made a conscious decision a long time ago to do this in order to help others (and myself!). Because of social media though, it’s made me feel like I’m back in a place of modeling because instead of going for castings, I’m now ‘competing’ to get followers and engagement with all these other amazing girls. It makes me wish I could do the crazy yoga poses, take the most amazing travel photos, and post more recipes. With social media, it’s led to a whole other creature that makes me self-doubt, and that’s part of the reason that I am breaking so hard. Because I don’t feel as good of a human being as others, purely because they have more followers, are getting further in their career than I am, and because I feel like I’m being thrown challenge after challenge with little payoff. This is all in the mind though; it’s something that I have created in my own being that is not true and only I have the power to realize this and understand that it’s not real. I’m learning to accept that the amount of followers does not define who I am. And comparing myself to these girls that are so bendy in their photos will not make me any less of a person. I’m realizing that with every bad moment that has come my way, I am learning about compassion, empathy, and how to take the experience from it to become a better person.
So these are my thoughts for today. Deep, I know. I’m scared sh*tless sharing this too…but in writing this I know I’m helping to become a better person myself, with the possibility of maybe helping even just one person realize that they are not alone in their thoughts. Today is only day two of week two, which means we haven’t even hit the half way point yet. All of this is incredibly scary, yet an insanely beautiful journey so far. I’m feeling grateful for being here, scared of what is to come, loving all the people I’m with and being able to experience their energy, stories share this with them all. Most of all, I’m beyond proud of myself that I’m here, learning, growing, and not allowing myself to get sucked into the negativity of life too much.
Well, that’s all for now. Hopefully my thoughts will be a bit lighter for you all tomorrow.
With love, Nikki