Deep Thinking, Deep Loving

18 Apr 2015

L1050500 copyI thought I was breaking last week. Boy oh boy was I incorrect. Everett has told us that the second week would challenge us beyond words, but didn’t really say exactly why. It seems like I have a lot more breaking to do than some of the peeps here. It makes me wonder: without knowing someone’s story, will we always assume we have it worse than them? I’m in a place where because I feel like crying all the time, it makes me think that I have more ‘shit’ to get through than others, but then I realize that’s not at all true. We ALL have baggage piled up and we are beginning to learn that meditation is all about clearing out this baggage in order to make way for the new, more beautiful things that we will think and experience in life. It could be that we all came here for different reasons, some purely to become yoga teachers but most seem to have come for their own self-practice and to learn more. So depending on how willing you are to accept what comes from this training then there will be different levels of what you experience. I guess I’m super open then? Ha! This is about to get deep, so bear with me…

Let me share a little story: my whole life I have had my own goals like everyone else, ranging from big to small. I was a model for many years, traveling the globe, which was one of the best things I’ve done, yet it was also extremely isolating and killed my self-confidence (ironic hey, being on covers of magazines and feeling so low). I gained confidence back, learned from the experiences and began my social media for Stay Sharp Be Strong, never really thinking anything of it other than I was creating food to share with whomever wanted to try it and giving tips I’ve learned. Through this all I’ve been through my ups and downs, my struggles, the best times of my life and all the things in between. I found yoga many years ago, as a way to be fit and that was all. However, like most the more I practiced the more I realized there was something more to whatever would come. It took me many years before I really wanted to learn more about all the types of yoga, the history and the beauty in what you can feel mentally. I booked this yoga teacher training in hopes to be able to have the knowledge and confidence to teach others, however I really came to learn more about myself and learn to heal some things that happened in life. I have come with an open mind, an open heart, and totally open to absolutely everything that comes. I have found that with this, I am experiencing things that I didn’t even imagine possible. It’s been beyond tough because of the physical practice, the hours of learning, and emotionally but with everything that comes up. However, there is more beauty that I’m seeing in others, myself, and the world around me that I could even comprehend. I feel strange for sharing my experiences in life with the world via social media, but I have made a conscious decision a long time ago to do this in order to help others (and myself!). Because of social media though, it’s made me feel like I’m back in a place of modeling because instead of going for castings, I’m now ‘competing’ to get followers and engagement with all these other amazing girls. It makes me wish I could do the crazy yoga poses, take the most amazing travel photos, and post more recipes. With social media, it’s led to a whole other creature that makes me self-doubt, and that’s part of the reason that I am breaking so hard. Because I don’t feel as good of a human being as others, purely because they have more followers, are getting further in their career than I am, and because I feel like I’m being thrown challenge after challenge with little payoff. This is all in the mind though; it’s something that I have created in my own being that is not true and only I have the power to realize this and understand that it’s not real. I’m learning to accept that the amount of followers does not define who I am. And comparing myself to these girls that are so bendy in their photos will not make me any less of a person. I’m realizing that with every bad moment that has come my way, I am learning about compassion, empathy, and how to take the experience from it to become a better person.

So these are my thoughts for today. Deep, I know. I’m scared sh*tless sharing this too…but in writing this I know I’m helping to become a better person myself, with the possibility of maybe helping even just one person realize that they are not alone in their thoughts. Today is only day two of week two, which means we haven’t even hit the half way point yet. All of this is incredibly scary, yet an insanely beautiful journey so far. I’m feeling grateful for being here, scared of what is to come, loving all the people I’m with and being able to experience their energy, stories share this with them all. Most of all, I’m beyond proud of myself that I’m here, learning, growing, and not allowing myself to get sucked into the negativity of life too much.

Well, that’s all for now. Hopefully my thoughts will be a bit lighter for you all tomorrow.

With love, Nikki

8 Responses

  1. Cat says:

    Nikki I am in love with this! I’m in the to book or not to book moment and watching your journey of late has made me want to just dive in and do it, I love the honesty you are sharing and I love how real and raw the experience is. You are amazing and you are helping people without even realizing it. I have the same issues myself of the “likes” and followers, but at the end of the day that’s something that doesn’t define us or matter. Thankyou for this post, it really cleared things up and made my decision to get my ass to Bali and finally do my training 🙂 Cat x

    • Nikki Sharp says:

      Cat, darling. Thank you for the lovely comment! I’m so glad that this is resonating with you and has helped you make a decision. I fully think doing the training is a wonderful idea and I think you will absolutely love what you get from it, especially coming to Bali where the energy is just overpowering. With love, N xx

      • Cat says:

        Thanks Nikki! I just cannot get it out of my head. It’s been floating in and out over the last couple years but it’s just been like all consuming this last week! Enjoy the rest of your trip 🙂 Cat x

  2. Fede says:

    Hi Nikki! I loved this post too much not to reply to you. I wanted to say that you helped ME. With every single post, especially from your journey in Bali. They make me think. You are doing what you love in your life, you are learning what you want and experience your dream, even if it’s terribly challenging and hard. Some people don’t do what they love just because they are scared, they don’t know the answer to “And what then?”. But you inspire me every single day to be who i want to be, despite others, despite money, despite where it will bring me in the world. Your experience in Bali is just amazing, you are so “real”, you don’t pretend that everything is easy for a beautiful woman like you, you also struggle with fears and obstacles. I love this of your blog. I am looking forward to read your next post Nikki, have a wonderful day, xx Fede

    • Nikki Sharp says:

      Thank you so much. You are so sweet to comment, and to follow my blog. Thank you for the words of encouragement, kindness, and authenticity. I’m so happy that I’m helping you (and I hope others) by sharing my journey. I do believe it’s hard for all of us in life, and it’s how we deal with all the ups and downs. Thank you for the support lovely x

  3. Elsa says:

    Re-reading this post makes me love it more. So raw, vulnerable and authentic. Enjoy the final days of your Bali trip, beautiful soul! xx elsa

  4. Shayna says:

    That’s my girl! Thank you for being you.

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