How To Get Over A Breakup/Heartbreak

getting-over-heartbreak
18 Jun 2020

This week I shared how about the breakup I went through recently and received a lot of comments from my beautiful community on people who have dealt with similar occurrences during quarantine.

Let me start off by saying this: a breakup, no matter how long you’ve been dating or whatever the circumstances, is hard. It sucks, it’s painful and it’s never fun.

It can feel like someone is stabbing you physically in the heart, to your throat constantly being constricted, sometimes feeling tight in the body, other times wanting to cry even though you’re having a good day.

All of this is normal.

Today I wanted to share a small bit about what happened with me and the tools that I’ve used to help get through it. I believe what I will share will absolutely help you to mend your heart, deal with the pain, and help you to see the light that will be coming.

My (Breakup) Story

 

 

My (now ex) boyfriend and I have been dating on and off for six years. I met him in London years ago before I moved to LA and it was love at first sight for us both. However, there was a lot of lessons that were to come for us both. We were essentially yin and yang. Two completely different people, different lifestyles, different views on life. While this was very tough, it also helped us both to meet in the middle, the essence of the yin/yang symbol.

Without going into too much of this story, the differences often times weighed on us more than the similarities and we would end. But then we would get back together because the love was so strong.

Cut to March 2020 when I let go of the apartment, I had just signed a lease for and moved back to London to be with him. I have to say that quarantine overall was an amazing experience together and I wouldn’t have changed much.

What I learned during this time though, was that we had very different values in life, and it’s not fair to blame or change someone else for not seeing things the same way as you.

And so, I came to the realization that the relationship that we both wanted and had worked hard for, for years, was not the one we were destined to have. We broke up, I left, and it was the first time in six years that we ended with respect (or as much as possible) rather than anger that was in the past.

With that short story of the past six years of my life, I wanted to now share the tools that have helped me through the past (and current) breakup. These are the things that have really allowed me to grieve in a healthy way and come out on top, quickly.

How To Get Over A Breakup

 

 

  1. Change the name of your ex to TEACHER (add the butterfly emoji after this!). If you still talk, or if you want to text him/her on a night of drinking, this helps your subconscious and conscious mind to understand this moment in time is to help you learn and grow into the person you are meant to be.
  2. Anytime you say “He/She did this, or that” change it to “I allowed this or that.” The first statement is one that we all often use, not just with lovers, but with friends, family and business. It actually puts YOU, the person saying it, as a victim and when you assume that role, it means you give up your power. When you switch the sentence to “I allowed this to happen….” (whatever the sentence is) you take back control, which helps you leave the role of victim mentality and charge towards your future. The goal here is every time you catch yourself saying “He/She did X,Y,Z” restart the sentence, no matter who you are talking to.
  3. Understand that Everything Is Happening Exactly As It’s Meant. This was a hard lesson to fully comprehend but once I did, I felt freed. What if your makeups, breakups, and everything in between in all aspects of life were unfolding exactly as they were meant, in order to get you to where you are meant to be? That would be a pretty neat thing to know, right? Realize that the universe only wants you to thrive – and the lessons yu go through are meant for YOU to grow, which is why it can be frustrating when you feel you ‘ve suffered so much. You are meant to grow through what you go through.
  4. Don’t revert to the ice cream and wine – or do, but not too long. It’s natural when we hit a low moment, especially when love is taken away, that we go to the things that give us temporary happiness or fulfillment. Understand that these feelings are fleeting and you’ll end up feeling worse than before. There should be ABSOLUTELY NO judgement if you do drink bottles of wine, or binge on chocolate, because the judgement will only make the breakup worse. But know that you are numbing yourself and hiding from the feelings (and lessons) you must deal with.
  5. Remember, the only person that can give you the love you want – IS YOU. We often go into relationships looking for someone to fulfill us, to make us happy, and to give us the love that we craved as children. It’s hard to see, but we take these attachements into our relationships, which can then crash and burn because the other person doesn’t do what we need/expect. The ONLY person that can make you feel the true, pure love that you want, is you. This is where the self work comes in to dive into yourself, your soul, purpose, and ways you can show love to yourself.
  6. Anger (and other feelings) are part of the process, allow it. The ironic part is as I typed this out, I received a really bad message from my ex (as we have been supporting each other as friends) and this drew the line that we will no longer be friends. I was pissed. I cried. I paced around my room. I poured a glass of wine. And then I realized I was angry because I had two simultaneous feelings: that I was angry at myself for believing things would be different, and I was mad at him because I thought he would step up to be a better person. During this moment of anger and understanding, I came to see that both were okay, because nether is right, neither is wrong. The main point here is ALLOW THE FEELINGS. These are necessary. But don’t attach to any meaning. Think of them like clouds; the feelings come and go and there will be many different versions as time goes on.

 

I’m so grateful for you reading this, because if you are it means there is some aspect of you that is ready to learn and grow. I’m still in the process of grieving, of probably drinking too much, and also figuring out the lessons myself as I type this. Please know that although someone might present something on IG or TV, they are still human.

If you are looking for some guidance through a breakup or you’re ready to find that special someone, I do coaching to help you get to a place you want. Contact me here.

Whatever you are going through, just remember that you are meant to grow through. Life throws us challenges in order to level up and become a better version of ourself. And one of the best things to focus on is that you WILL come out one top and realize that this person was not “the one.” The were in your life to help you become the person you are meant to become in order to find the one you will be with.

If you’ve gone through a breakup or face any type of heartbreak, use this time to heal, to do self-work, and eat healthy food and do exercise which will make you feel better than ever!

I hope this post helped you in some way. Drop a comment if you agree with anything or if you have any questions you’d like me to answer!

XOXO,

Nikki

 

8 Responses

  1. Chelsea Caddick says:

    Totally agree! These heartbreaks are such powerful lessons! I’m sorry you are in pain right now. Sending love!

    • admin says:

      Thanks Chelsea! You’re the sweetest. And yes, always great lessons, meant to get us to where we are meant to go xoxo

  2. Andi says:

    Thank you for sharing –
    I especially love the name changing tip!

    Krishnamurti teaches that everything we are experiencing in life is because we created/invited it, so accepting that we allowed a certain pattern or behavior to persist can be incredibly freeing. This also goes hand in hand with shadow work and can help illuminate the areas of our psyche that may need more exploration and acceptance.

    Congrats on your new chapter! I met my now husband about 9 weeks after finally letting go of a toxic on/off relationship. Cold turkey zero contact allowed me to create the emotional, mental and energetic space for a new huge real love and blessing. Excited to see what your new year brings!!

    • admin says:

      Hi Andi. Yes, I 100% believe that we invite things and our soul chooses things to guide us to where we are meant to be. Always great reminders from other teachers, thank you for sharing. Xoxox

  3. Marie Therese says:

    You are right 💯 💯. Thank you for sharing experience . We all learn from our experiences and challenges and we should always move on . I am sorry for the pain you are passing as well as the change but you deserve to be happy with someone who shares your goals and values .

  4. YellowSportsCar says:

    Just my opinion, but I think the fact that you reacted so strongly to a text shows how intense and meaningful the relationship was. That’s definitely not a bad thing, although temporarily exquisitely painful, because it shows your willingness to love deeply, and thus risk emotional injury. Only wanting life to be a flat-line would be a horrible place to be, and who wants to live like that? All the best to you in this difficult and emotional time!

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