My Life Is Perfect…?!
My life is perfect.
That’s what most people seem to think when they look at my social media channels. The beautiful photos I post on Instagram tell a story that I get to jet set across the world, that my career keeps going up and up, and that life is pretty magical.
Now I won’t disagree with a lot of that because I DO get to go on amazing trips, stay at incredible hotels, and I am a lot further in my career than when I started. Yet there is a sadness in the background. It’s something that I’ve been dealing with for a while now and I typically keep my mouth shut and play into the ‘I’m super happy’ vibe. It’s not that I’m lying; it’s just that I choose never to dwell on the bad, because there is a learning opportunity from all things, especially the harder times in our life.
So let me explain a little bit about why I write this:
I’m in Thailand at the Matthew Kenney Culinary academy, a program that I’ve wanted to do for over a year. I finally made the plunge and decided to come out here, which has been an incredible decision. I’m loving every single moment of it. (Check out a bunch of the vlogs I’ve been doing here, here, and here.)
Every moment except all the ‘crap’ that keeps coming up in my own mind. All those deep rooted fears that have been hiding and decided to come out when I’m alone and really taking time for ME. All those little fears that keep telling me I’m not good enough, that I don’t deserve anything, and that I am not making a difference with my life.
It’s one thing to have the fears that we all have, yet it’s an entirely different one to sit with them day after day in a country by yourself, where you don’t get to talk to your friends often because of the time difference and you have a lot of time to ‘think.’ Thinking can be both good and bad. Thinking too much about your fears is not good, but acknowledging them and working through them is good.
I’m finding myself getting incredibly jealous of other people in my industry that their careers are going up faster than mine. I am seeing that I am putting myself down because my social media engagement is pretty bad. And I notice that there is a constant sadness which is starting to literally weigh me down and make me feel heavy, like I’ve eaten a huge meal at all times of the day. (If you don’t know about how emotional stress affects the body, google it, because it’s one of the biggest reasons why you might not be losing weight or having other health concerns!)
I’ve been chatting to my mentors about this and all these feelings and I am grateful to have their love and support. Side note: it’s so vitally important to be able to get perspectives on your own situation from others who love and care about you, so never feel ashamed about asking for help or sharing your feelings. In fact, I did this tonight on snapchat (follow me @nikkirsharp) and went on a little bit of a rant talking about how sad I am and that I don’t think I’m making a difference in this world and my followers were amazing- they have been responding with the most beautiful messages.
I can say that for the first time in my life I’m grateful to be able to acknowledge these crappy feelings, because it means I can look fear in the face and understand that it’s something that my mind is creating for no other reason than to challenge myself- to make me stronger and to help me grow. We all go through craptastic times and wonder why God/The Universe/ Spirit is making us feel so unhappy. Why me? Why did I have to go through this?! (Sound familiar?)
I’m learning that through my sadness and all the jealousy BS I’m experiencing, that it’s making me challenge my way of thinking and doing. Clearly I need to make a change to evoke a change. I cannot keep doing the same thing and expect a different result.
So really, I share this all for two reasons. Well, three. The first is that I will always be honest with you all, no matter how tough it is. I hold myself back a lot of times because I see all these other bloggers never sharing their tough times and it makes me think I shouldn’t either. But then I remember that I do what I do to help others, so of course I will share what I can. The second being that by sharing I am acknowledging what is going on and I can now make a change. I could sit here and keep wallowing in my own sadness, or I can take tomorrow as a new day and really dedicate the rest of my time in Thailand to figuring out what will make happy again and doing it! And last, I share this because I think that we all go through bad times and it’s really important to know that you are not alone. We are all in this together and if I can help at least one of you with this post then I will be grateful I shared my story.
With that, I’m going to take a little bit of a social media break. No emails, no phone, no laptop, no snapchat, no Instagram…just me, my fellow classmates, Thailand, delicious food and lots of yoga and meditation. Back soon though!
In the meantime, I’d love to come back to a bunch of comments from you all. Are you going through anything similar? Do you have any words of wisdom for myself or the other readers? Comment below! <3
Love you all!