My Life Is Perfect…?!

nikki-sharp-thailand
12 May 2016

My life is perfect.

That’s what most people seem to think when they look at my social media channels. The beautiful photos I post on Instagram tell a story that I get to jet set across the world, that my career keeps going up and up, and that life is pretty magical.

Now I won’t disagree with a lot of that because I DO get to go on amazing trips, stay at incredible hotels, and I am a lot further in my career than when I started. Yet there is a sadness in the background. It’s something that I’ve been dealing with for a while now and I typically keep my mouth shut and play into the ‘I’m super happy’ vibe. It’s not that I’m lying; it’s just that I choose never to dwell on the bad, because there is a learning opportunity from all things, especially the harder times in our life.

So let me explain a little bit about why I write this:

I’m in Thailand at the Matthew Kenney Culinary academy, a program that I’ve wanted to do for over a year. I finally made the plunge and decided to come out here, which has been an incredible decision. I’m loving every single moment of it. (Check out a bunch of the vlogs I’ve been doing here, here, and here.)

Every moment except all the ‘crap’ that keeps coming up in my own mind. All those deep rooted fears that have been hiding and decided to come out when I’m alone and really taking time for ME. All those little fears that keep telling me I’m not good enough, that I don’t deserve anything, and that I am not making a difference with my life.

It’s one thing to have the fears that we all have, yet it’s an entirely different one to sit with them day after day in a country by yourself, where you don’t get to talk to your friends often because of the time difference and you have a lot of time to ‘think.’ Thinking can be both good and bad. Thinking too much about your fears is not good, but acknowledging them and working through them is good.

I’m finding myself getting incredibly jealous of other people in my industry that their careers are going up faster than mine. I am seeing that I am putting myself down because my social media engagement is pretty bad. And I notice that there is a constant sadness which is starting to literally weigh me down and make me feel heavy, like I’ve eaten a huge meal at all times of the day. (If you don’t know about how emotional stress affects the body, google it, because it’s one of the biggest reasons why you might not be losing weight or having other health concerns!)

I’ve been chatting to my mentors about this and all these feelings and I am grateful to have their love and support. Side note: it’s so vitally important to be able to get perspectives on your own situation from others who love and care about you, so never feel ashamed about asking for help or sharing your feelings. In fact, I did this tonight on snapchat (follow me @nikkirsharp) and went on a little bit of a rant talking about how sad I am and that I don’t think I’m making a difference in this world and my followers were amazing- they have been responding with the most beautiful messages.

I can say that for the first time in my life I’m grateful to be able to acknowledge these crappy feelings, because it means I can look fear in the face and understand that it’s something that my mind is creating for no other reason than to challenge myself- to make me stronger and to help me grow. We all go through craptastic times and wonder why God/The Universe/ Spirit is making us feel so unhappy. Why me? Why did I have to go through this?! (Sound familiar?)

nikki-sharp

I’m learning that through my sadness and all the jealousy BS I’m experiencing, that it’s making me challenge my way of thinking and doing. Clearly I need to make a change to evoke a change. I cannot keep doing the same thing and expect a different result.

So really, I share this all for two reasons. Well, three. The first is that I will always be honest with you all, no matter how tough it is. I hold myself back a lot of times because I see all these other bloggers never sharing their tough times and it makes me think I shouldn’t either. But then I remember that I do what I do to help others, so of course I will share what I can. The second being that by sharing I am acknowledging what is going on and I can now make a change. I could sit here and keep wallowing in my own sadness, or I can take tomorrow as a new day and really dedicate the rest of my time in Thailand to figuring out what will make happy again and doing it! And last, I share this because I think that we all go through bad times and it’s really important to know that you are not alone. We are all in this together and if I can help at least one of you with this post then I will be grateful I shared my story.

With that, I’m going to take a little bit of a social media break. No emails, no phone, no laptop, no snapchat, no Instagram…just me, my fellow classmates, Thailand, delicious food and lots of yoga and meditation. Back soon though!

In the meantime, I’d love to come back to a bunch of comments from you all. Are you going through anything similar? Do you have any words of wisdom for myself or the other readers? Comment below! <3

Love you all!

Nikki

23 Responses

  1. Rose Maxwell says:

    I completely get and understand how you feel, doesn’t matter what age you are, sometimes things can be difficult.
    Just hold on tight You never know what might happen.
    I’ve had a year of stress that has really affected my health and mindset. But I’ve finally been able to look back and see how I have grown from it, I have learnt so much about myself and needs. Just remember, if you never give up on yourself and try every day, the hard work will pay off.
    I’m not any good a patience but it is probably a good characteristic to have!
    I am a big believer of mindfulness, so I always tell my self that if I can dream it and bealive it, I can achieve it.
    So never let yourself hold YOU back 🙂

    • nikki sharp says:

      i’m so glad that you’ve been able to grow from what has happened in your life, that makes me very glad to read. Thank you for the comment! x

  2. Autumn says:

    Thanks for sharing this Nikki! Ive been feeling pretty down lately, too. Feeling like nothing im doing is getting me anywhere… Emotionally eating & knowing I’m doing so- and not being able to do anything about it ): this post inspired me to DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. Thank you for being real with is, love you forever!

    • nikki sharp says:

      Hi Autumn, the first thing to do in that situation is make sure you are eating clean foods. Nothing like bad food to fog up your mind! I hope that you are on the right track now! x

  3. Carly says:

    Nikki thank you for sharing this with all of us! We are human and all experience moments like these where we feel alone and question our motives/intentions. It is so true that in feeling these emotions, you are so strong Nikki! I always struggled to really feel my negative emotions because I was fearful they would take over my mind. It takes practice to really accept these emotions and shift your mind from the negative to why you are stepping out of your comfort zone and undergoing this amazing opportunity. Celebrate you over the course of this month, YOU chose to challenge yourself and step out of your comfort zone to learn and immerse yourself within Thailand. Stay strong & keep shining so brightly!

    xo, Carly

  4. Fatma says:

    Trust me, I know this way too well. I guess we all go through this stage, and its totally OK.
    I feel like this sometimes and it’s so annoying because I keep it inside even though I just want to shout it out loud.
    Here it is: I’m 28 mother to a 3,5 year old boy and a wife. All my friends finished their university degrees and here I am, just started and found out it wasn’t what I wanted.
    Very often I feel like cr*p and that I’m useless, but then I try to remind myself what I have achieved in the past couple of years.
    I’m trying to stay positive and that I’m moving forward.
    So darling, you are amazing! And more amazingness are coming your way.
    Enjoy your weekend, put some red lipstick on do a little dance. Enjoy Thailand <3

    Love
    Fatma

    • nikki sharp says:

      Darling, you are only 28! I am too and I’m lucky enough to slightly know the direction I’m headed, but give yourself a small break. You have a 3.5 year old and that is an amazing feat in itself! What makes you feel useless? That you don’t have a piece of paper saying you finished college? Find what the root cause is, because it’s not just uni. Celebrate that you are a wife, a mother, and living a beautiful life- what you’re doing is what i was, comparing yourself to others, and who knows what they are comparing their lives to. Xoxox

  5. Carlota says:

    Hi Nikki! I just wanted to let you know that from all the blogs I follow and instagram accounts about food, fashion, lifestyle, fitness celebrities – WHATEVER- you’re the only one that makes a personal connection. You’re the only one that I felt like snapping, or commenting! And that is only because you care, and because you value it. So besides everything amazing that you do, your book, detoxes and guides and blogs, you’re able to make a real connection!! People don’t follow just because you’re pretty and because you’re food is amazing (which it totally is!), people follow you because you’re substantial and even when you’re feeling down you’re able to make the best of it be inspiring everyone! So thank you not only for your professional work that is AMAZING* but also because your personal side is amazing as well!
    *(your 5 day detox changed the way I eat forever and made me healthier and happier with myself than I’ve ever been)

    So thank you! I had already sent you a big text on snapchat but after reading this I thought I had more to say!

    Enjoy Thailand and keep on with what you’ve been doing because it is brilliant!

    • nikki sharp says:

      Hi Carlota! Thank you for your comment…it means so much to me! Honestly, how sweet are you! I’m so glad the detox has changed the way you eat and how you feel, that makes me so happy to hear! <3 Thanks again sweetheart x

  6. Ana says:

    Nikki stay strong. I have been through similar experiences as you, but last year going to Thailand to an amazing yoga retreat really helped me uncover those deeply rooted insecurities and helped me work through them. Enjoy your time there–it’s for you and only you! Keep your head high and believe that the universe is good and things that come your way are there for a reason. You are good enough and you will beat them. You go girl!

  7. Nicky says:

    Thanks for sharing Nikki. You have really helped me.
    As much as we don’t want to compare ourselves, sometimes we do naturally without even realising, knowing its unhealthy and it’s all in our mind! Heck… i’m in my 2nd year of nursing and I actually don’t want to be a nurse. But i’m sticking with it and injecting my passion for holistic health and nutrition into my blog and developing it so I can keep moving forward, rather than dwelling about having to do another year of my degree. Where you are looks incredible… you have an incredible app, book and following, with real insight into how we should look after ourselves. You’re doing amazing. I’m from the south coast of England, and if I can connect with you from here, think about all the other people you are reaching all over the world without even realising it. You’re doing great! Much love, Nicky xx

    • nikki sharp says:

      Hi darling! We def compare, it’s hard not to but it’s all about being aware of it! I’m proud of you for continuing the program. If you really don’t like it though, is there something you would rather be doing? Follow your heart and passion. it’s never the easy road but def the more fulfilling. x

  8. Zonia Kelley says:

    Hi Nikki, I totally understand what you are saying, it can be discouraging when you feel like no matter what you do, ppl aren’t really paying attention. I feel this way a lot. I am 48 and feel like I could of done so much more with my life. But I am blessed and thankful in a lot of ways also. You are amazing and we are here. We may not always be able to come into your blog post and read things but just know that even a short 10 sec snapchat is making a difference to someone out there. Keep doing what you do, cuz you do it so well, never forget that. You do make a huge different to many of us. <3 xoxo

    • nikki sharp says:

      I’m so grateful for you! Honestly, when your name comes up I am just so happy. (Thank you for the continued support!) You are wonderful, never forget that! xoxox

  9. Holly Cootes says:

    You have definitely made a difference to my life! <3 Try to remember all the reasons why you started on this journey and try not to get too caught up in everything else. It sounds like you're already pulling yourself out of the crappy negative feelings (at least you know its all in your mind) and learning from it already!!! YOU'VE GOT THIS! <3 xxxxxxx and remember you don't have to be strong all of the time. 'The only thing to fear is fear itself' 🙂

  10. Regina says:

    Nikki, have you ever checked Melissa Ambrosini web page and social media. She talks a lot about these issues, she has helped me so much through her goddess groups which are online to overcome fear and stop hitting myself up. For what it helps: you have made a difference to my life. Don’t stress yourself so much about the numbers, do you prefer to have million empty likes like the kardashians but not make any real differnence, or have a smaller but strong community to whom you are really helping? We are in a crazy social world, people are measuring their worth according to likes, followers, or views? This is nonsense

    • nikki sharp says:

      i have and love her stuff! social media is totally crazy, it’s a bizarre yet amazing thing to have for sure. x

  11. I think what you shared is amazing Nikki you inspire me to keep going I changed my life so much in the last year well actually 15 months when I moved to Hawaii last year and that my girlfriend Roberta who was diagnosed with stage four lung cancer and was fighting it was food she open my eyes to that I could actually change my diagnosis no one ever told me that I was sick for 13 years and on 31 medications no one not one single doctor and I had seven of them ever to told me there was a possibility that I could change my diagnosis with food but when I met Roberta she told me I could I had went 12 years without any vegetables because I was hypersensitive to vitamin K and on Coumadin a really high dose I wasn’t allowed to eat anything green and then Roberta change my life I started not listening to the doctors I enrolled in IIN and started doing what I wanted to and eventually my body started changing I eliminated Dairy, sugar wheat products gluten and I started feeling better I started getting energy so I started taking some of the medicines out and one by one I kept taking them out to the ones I thought I really need it and all the sudden I got down to 4-5 medicines. Doctors were livid but I kept doing it. I figured if I was going to die or have another heart attack it was going to happen anyways I already had two heart attacks what was the difference but you know what I didn’t I started feeling healthier I started meditating I started actually taking care of myself again and eating food and I started feeling alive I actually woke up in Hawaii it was like I had been sleeping and I was never really there . Then I kept going in school and I wanted to help everyone in our family I wanted to show them how food could change their lives my sister who had two strokes and my brother who’s had three open-heart surgeries started changing their lives I even tried to help my husband’s family but it didn’t go good with them my mother-in-law who was very sick and had her carotid artery blocked 98% of the way Did not except my help in fact they were so against me being a health coach that we got in such an argument on Christmas my mother-in-law tried to have her daughter my sister-in-law actually assault me (actually imagine your sister-in-law trying to beat you up because you were talking about how you changed your life with food ) Who does that so I have no relationship with my in-laws now because of a conversation about how food actually changes your life so please never feel negative you have inspired me along with the friends I have from IIN to keep going and keep changing my life and hopefully help other people know that they don’t have to remain chronically they Can change their lives . I did I am living proof what we do changes your life I just went and did a stress test my heart has healed there is no damage left on my heart so I have healed my own heart muscle also after two heart attacks. We are living proof Nikki that people can change their lives please always know that you always inspire me and you inspire so many people around the world your friends value you and so many people do always know that . Peace and love will always trump violence and hate haters only hate because they inspire to be you 😀🌹🙌

  12. Emily Sandford says:

    It’s taken me weeks to finally read this blog post and it could not have come at a better time. This year has been rough. I turned 25 and I expected it to be my best year yet. Well that happy ship sailed when I got dumped the day after my birthday for reasons I still don’t know, I changed jobs and I’m not sure it was the best decision, and financially I’m still not where I want to be. My life feels so stagnant and I don’t have the drive to change it (this is not me; I’ve always been very driven).
    This blog has helped me to re-focus my energy on the good things that have happened so far this year and to continue to focus on improving myself. I have a tendency to get swallowed by the negatives and ignore what my mind and body need. I can still make this year my best year yet, I just need to change my mindset about what is “best” for me.
    Thanks for your constant inspiration Nikki!

    • nikki sharp says:

      Hi Emily! I’m so sorry to hear that this year hasn’t been that good for you. Just remember that many times things can be worse in the beginning, including financials before they get better. If the new job is making you happier than the old, then the money will come. Don’t ever let money be the controller of what you do in life (one little lesson I have learned). I know it can be really hard but you WILL get through it all! I’m glad that reading this helped you put things into perspective. We all go through great times and super crappy times…it’s just the bad ones hurt more, but we also grow and learn way more on those! <3 I would also recommend reading 'what i learned from not hitting the NYTimes best seller list' on my blog too xx

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