Getting Engaged: An Intimate Dairy Entry

01 Jul 2021

Hello my loves,

I decided to share my exact journal entry the morning of getting engaged a few weeks ago. I wrote it while we were still in Miami and hadn’t yet taken off to Paradise Island for our weekend getaway.

This is very intimate and private (obviously lol, as it’s my diary). I chose to share it because I realize how we are not taught much about love. We all have thoughts and beliefs that are based on previous experiences, however we don’t go to classes to learn what’s normal and what isn’t. I personally had to go through many years of some pretty tough times within relationships to understand myself better and in turn, be able to show up as the best version of myself to my now fiancé. I hope you enjoy reading this…

And if it speaks to you in any way, drop a comment below and let me know your thoughts.

Xx,

Nikki

Today I think I’m getting engaged. Okay well, I know I am LOL, just not if it’s today or tomorrow.

It’s a strange feeling knowing this tho – like it’s my last day being “single.” And then the next monumental day is when you’re truly “off the market.” 7/23/22 

I guess it’s so weird because although as a kid (young adult) I thought I would date someone for 5 years, then be engaged for 3 years, I then realized I had no desire even for marriage. I think every little girl dreams of it because we watch our parents (or other adults in our life) then we see the fairytale in movies. It’s the dream we have all been “promised” from a young age: do your thing as a woman until a man comes along and suddenly life will be happy because you’re getting married.

But I guess I hadn’t found the right man because this dream didn’t feel so dreamy.

There was no one besides my ex that I’ve come close to even thinking about marriage – and that was tumultuous, quite toxic, co-dependent and had all the makings for a rocky relationship. He was the only one I thought that we would – and I guess I did want to. Now that I look back it seems I was after the safety and security that I think all women want in a man. And so, when I learned I would never have that with him, it became easier to part ways. But I’m grateful I had to go through all that I did with him because I had to learn that the safety and security I craved had to come from within. I had to cultivate it from my own soul. And once I did, that’s when I met P.

It is such an interesting journey to be on actually – this love story that I didn’t even know I wanted. We moved in three months to the DAY from our first date without realizing it. We are getting engaged six months to the day.

What’s fascinating is that none of it felt abnormal. Quite the opposite. It felt peaceful and middle ground, meaning there was no big highs or lows, which I’ve learned through doing self-work is to goal. Because when you get too high from things in your life, inevitably there comes a big low. And so keeping a middle group of celebrating everything and moving through challenges quickly has been the basis of my life and now our relationship.

What hasn’t felt normal?

When people make such a big deal of me being in a relationship. Like I’m congratulated for meeting someone and calling him my boyfriend. At first this made me feel really uncomfortable – like why congratulate on such a “silly” thing? I’ve had more people give me accolades on being with P than publishing two books….

But then I realized, or what I think to be true, is that people give congratulations because it’s the thing we all want in this life: love and happiness. I guess my being, or essence, has changed since we met. Although I’d like to believe that I was a vibrant light BEFORE I met him and he didn’t change me. I do get it though; love is a far greater power on this planet than anything else and therefore it’s no wonder people are happy for you.

Then again, maybe after I’ve been single for a while, and those who knew me in the toxic past relationships, are truly happy to see me stable, secure and thriving with a man I love so much.

The second wave of “how interesting” in my mind came when I realized how “normal” this relationship is. Beautiful, inspiring, passionate, incredible…the list goes on and on. But normal doesn’t mean bad or boring, quite the opposite to me. It’s because “normal” in our society tends to mean unhealthy. It’s the same as our food. What we eat is really toxic crap – it’s not real food though, I.E. it’s not “normal food.” So, when people congratulate me, I realize it’s because I’m in a normal (i.e. happy) relationship, it feels strange. Because why should someone congratulate you on what should just the be norm? Alas, I’ve come to realize that because we haven’t been taught to see/feel/know deep inside what true love is, we fall for the first love that comes to us, even if it’s toxic. And so congratulating is based on this deep desire for love that we all have. Well, love really starts with you…

And that’s why I’m here today. Because I feel I’ve done the work and will continue to do it. I’ve worked through my fears, the challenges that have presented themselves, the disappointment and regrets. I’ve shifted my thinking and prioritized my own self-love and happiness. And that’s when I met P, when I was in touch with my soul on a deep and expansive level.

However, I must constantly remind myself this, especially as getting engaged will just be one more layer that can distract me from being present to myself. Planning a wedding, sharing the story over and over, celebrating with people in my life – these will all be welcomed moments. But I cannot allow them to distract me from being fully in alignment to myself. Because I must always come first in order to be the best version I can to him.

I ramble though. I’m getting on a plane to the Caribbean in a few hours with a man who I love tremendously, and I know feels the same. It’s still a strange and surreal feeling that I only met him IRL six months ago, and yet here we are. It all feels like the most natural flow of events. And honestly, anything different would have felt forced.

You always hear that a couple should wait two years because that’s when they really know each other. Well, Covid has given us SUCH an opportunity. Spending ALL your time with someone really teaches you about them. We’ve been through so much together that I know him better than people I’ve dated for years. Then again, we both made it a priority to open our souls and share the deepest parts that no one else saw.

So here’s to being single to being engaged. Crazy how the universe always has you on the right course – and it’s our job to be okay with not knowing what is coming – because really, it’s always pretty fucking awesome.

6 Responses

  1. Susanna says:

    You’re such an inspiration, I love reading your stories and watching your growth. I feel like I can relate in a very real way, based on a similar journey I’m on – and it gives me hope/inspiration. Thanks for being authentic, open and vulnerable x

  2. Esther says:

    So beautiful and recognizable, after 3 months I also moved in with my boyfriend and 18 months after we met I gave birth to our twin boys. So I hear you and thank you for sharing its truly amazing your journey

  3. Jessica says:

    As a single 35 year old, I always hear “how or why are you still single?” I’m always bothered by this. Is there something wrong with just being on my own? I am a firm believer that you must be happy with you, before you can be happy with someone else. I also do not want to settle for something ok just because society seems to frown on being single, when I can wait for something great! If congratulations are given it should also be for finding happiness within yourself, that is not always an easy thing to do.

    • admin says:

      I couldn’t agree more about that comment. It’s interesting how there’s such a societal norm to have a family at a certain age, but i’m proud of you for sticking with whats true to you x

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