Some intimate thoughts on life

03 Oct 2020

I’m sitting here in my gorgeous apartment on the 33rd floor in Miami, looking out of my floor to ceiling windows to the cloudy, grey sky. I was supposed to run errands, buy some plants, go to Soho House to lounge by the pool. Instead, I’m lying on my couch, wrapped up in a furry blanket watching a new show on Netflix called ‘Emily in Paris.’

It’s funny how accurate it is in regard to the people; the French culture is one that is so different from anywhere else I have lived.

And as I watch this show, with the beautiful shots of Paris, I realized how much I miss it there. I miss London. I miss my ex. I miss traveling. It’s a funny thing how when we slowdown in life, all the emotions and feelings that we keep ourselves too busy to feel, begin to show up.

This is the ironic thing about life. We can have it all, and still not be happy.

I’m not saying I’m not happy. Quite the opposite. I’m happier than I’ve been in a long time. I have stability from a beautiful apartment that I’m obsessed with. I’m making good money. I have wonderful clients in my health coaching practice that I adore working with each week. I’ve made incredible friends in the short time I’ve been in Miami. My entire family is healthy and all doing well.

Yet, I sit here on this rainy afternoon feeling incredibly sad. Not the type of sad that I regret choices I made or would like to get back together with my ex, for example. More so, it’s the type of sadness that makes you realize that you have not acknowledged your feelings enough.

I’m very guilty of keeping myself busy. This in turn means that I don’t always dedicate time to processing the things that have gone on in life. And this is an incredibly important part of life that most of us avoid doing. As humans we tend to not like sitting with negative emotions or really understanding how they are affecting us.

But it’s these ‘negative’ emotions that when left un-processed turn into behaviors that we don’t like. Such as drinking too much, drugs, getting angry at others, ourselves, binge eating or restricting, and many others.

It’s an interesting feeling though, to be sitting here, so happy with life, and at the same time feeling so sad. What I’ve come to understand is that this is okay. It’s okay to feel happy and sad at the same time. Because truly, there is no “good” or “bad” emotion. We must have one to appreciate the other. Yin and Yang.

Lately I’ve been going through a strange time with my brand. It’s been this back and forth of how much to share with you all. With the wellness expert label, I have, published author, audience that follows me, I often times don’t know what to post. I question about sharing my personal life. I’m told not to share it – that it doesn’t match the ‘expert’ brand of giving advice.

And then on the other side, the only reason I started an IG account in the first place was to give others hope, sharing a side of authenticity that I wish others had done when I was going through a hard time.

I had a revelation this week that I have to just post what I want. Not care about what I think others will or won’t say. So, this post is really just my first foray in a long, long time into my life. Into a different side that I haven’t shared in a while. The promise I made to myself is to be more open. To share the things I did in the past. Because if nothing else, it helps me to be able to connect with you all in a deeper way than just giving tips.

So here I sit, sharing something pretty vulnerable with no expectation of anything other than it feels good to write this out. I hope by you reading this it also helps you know that whatever you are feeling it is perfectly normal.

We are all going through such a strange time and it’s natural that many of the feelings/emotions we’ve been too busy to feel are coming out. This time at home is ‘forcing’ us to face it all.

And for that I’m grateful. Because my tendency is to keep traveling when I feel down. It’s almost like escapism into what I don’t want to feel because new countries and people, old friends, all make me feel so happy.

This time at home (finally in a stable place with a yearlong lease) has been a Godsend, but also is making me face some things that I clearly haven’t in a while.

Anyways my beautiful friends, that’s all for now. Going to get back to watching Netflix and daydreaming about Paris.

Sending you all so much love. I’ll be back sooner than later with more deep thoughts that hopefully help you (as well as myself by sharing them).



5 Responses

  1. YellowSportsCar says:

    I love the personal posts and hope that you can find a way to make more of them, especially during these times which challenge so many of our emotions. Especially if writing them helps YOU, too! A lot of us who have followed you for awhile know that life, even the life of a famous influencer/model, doesn’t consist solely of colorful fruit on searing white backgrounds… Life is gloriously messy! I’m looking forward to reading more about yours!

  2. Taylor says:

    Loved this post Nikki! Touched my heart and I can relate in alot of ways.

  3. Allyse says:

    PLEASE, YES, keep posting the way you do because you’re so much more inspiring to follow and listen to and take tips from when you are your most authentic self, flaws and bad days and all!!! I know I enjoy following someone REAL and not just posting what they think people want to see…so thank you for being your true self!

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