Overcoming Our Demons

14 Aug 2014

I wrote this a few weeks ago as a way to just get some things of my chest. I wasn’t actually going to post it but re-reading it I figured, why not. I love sharing my struggles (not because I actually enjoy the struggle) but because I know how many people it can help to know they are not alone.



We all want to feel healthy. Energized. Full of life. Not to mention be confident with our body, happy within ourselves and okay with where life takes us.

I go through so many ups and downs of being this role model to people, wanting to be healthy and fit for myself, and trying to balance it with the pressure that I face. Doing what I do fulfills me; it gives me great satisfaction knowing I’m helping so many other people face their challenges. It has also helped me to become a happier and healthier person along the way. What I find the hardest to deal with is my personal strives to be “perfect” which I realize is not possible. I will do so well with my eating and working out regime then one day I’ll wake up, a bit bloated and just think f-it. I will just not eat as well today because I already feel gross. It’s a silly thing to do and I always tell others not to do this, to just stay on track even if it’s only for one day that you feel bad. I tell everyone, take it day by day, meal by meal.

In my life I’ve had so many experiences that have led me to who I am today, both the good and bad sides of me. I wouldn’t take anything back, but there are many things I’ve gone through that have made my life hard. Modeling was one of the most amazing things I did, now that I look back on it, but during my many years of international travel it taught me some hella bad habits. Luckily I never fell into the crowd of smoking, drinking coffee, hundreds of laxative pills a day, or exercising for hours on end. I did have other habits that formed and did so over years, not overnight. Now in my “recovery” of coming back to being a regular adult, I know that these habits will not go away overnight, just as they didn’t come in the same time.

 When I’m stressed I eat. And of course not healthy food. I hate it though. I hate not feeling vibrant and full of energy. I hate the feeling the next day when you wake up with a food hangover. It’s worse than an alcohol hangover, trust me. I hate how your skin goes dull and gets acne if you eat bad, or at least for me, even just one time. How funny is that I know the very thing I tell people about how it’s bad to eat if you’re stressed because your digestive system literally stops working, is the thing I am so guilty of.

I share these things because I struggle like everyone else. I have just chosen to be more vocal about it. I am trying to improve myself, make myself a better person, more connected to others and lead a lifestyle by example. I think it’s important for people to realize that we are all the same. We all have faults and we all have things we turn to when stressed. For some it’s alcohol, some it’s drugs, others it’s over exercising (or even just obsessive exercise in whatever shape or form this takes), for some it’s going into a world of their own and others it’s eating. We all have SOMETHING we turn to when we are stressed. And it’s okay… that’s human nature. I just wish it wasn’t such a taboo thing to speak about.

I wish that we could all freely share the times we need help or when we need comfort. When we are able to do that it’s easier to overcome a lot of the things we deal with. For myself, daily workouts, meditation, clean eating and smiling have made me enjoy life more and have more power to battle my own demons. They are still there though, and proabaly will be for quite some time. I am okay with that though. I am okay sharing my story and hopefully helping others along the way. It is a passion of my especially to help younger girls who have body dismorphia and eating disorders. Because I went through this with modeling it’s something that I get great pleasure out of; partially why I created my detox.

While I was modeling I always used to wonder why I got paid so much money to be stick thin and doing nothing other than showing off clothes. I didn’t feel good about myself, my body or the message I was promoting. Now I’m promoting a much different message, one of health and learning to love the body you are in, not striving to always be someone else. It’s a magical thing to be doing this, have people listen and like what I say. While this lifestyle is much more fun and easier to maintain, it doesn’t mean it’s hard none-the-less. I have people telling me I look too skinny, or I have gained weight, that my butt isn’t big enough and I need to squat more or that I should lift upper body more because my arms are scrawny. It’s a strange thing to put yourself out there and no matter who you are or what message you promote, that people will attack you, mostly girls too!

Dita von teese said a wonderful quote ”You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world and there’s still going to be somebody who hates peaches.”

This is one of those ranting posts because I had another one of ‘those nights.’ The ones I mentioned above that instead of turning to alcohol or drugs, I went and ate a few things I shouldn’t have. My binges are nothing like they used to be, however it all depends on when you feel out of control, the portions themselves don’t really matter. I know why I did it tonight (for those wondering it’s because I am packing to leave London today, didn’t get nearly all the appointments done I needed to, helping my bf pack house as he moves in September, we go to Athens tomorrow where I’ll unpack my stuff, repack it in 2 weeks, head to LA where I have a house to finally move in to, all while amping up my business and realizing how much work I need to do in the next 2 weeks in order to keep my company afloat), I did it because I am stressed. Because I don’t have anyone to talk to, although in reality I DO! I just don’t want to burden other people with my stress. So I turned to food, then as soon as I ate I started writing this post. Because when the words come out, they pour and then you get real unfiltered emotion. I don’t know if I will post this, because of course it’s so personal and that’s damn scary thing to do.

With that I will move on, workout, meditate and just chill out… for now.

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